Nothing cures a bad hangover like a Sausage McMuffin, jerk-off session and 4 hour nap. Unfortunately for the members of Teenanger, their cure came in the form of a 10 AM videotaped performance in a cold basement. Can’t win ‘em all I guess.
We’re starting to take pre-orders for our next release, Teenanger’s debut LP “Give Me Pink.”
The LP features twelve new jams from the band (recorded at Six Nassau in Toronto) and killer artwork by Jeremy Jansen & Niall McClelland.
Check out myspace to get a taste for the record: www.myspace.com/teenangerrr
The LP will be mailed out on March 23rd. The first twenty pre-orders come with a 12″ x 12″ denim back patch stapled to the back cover!!!! Also, all records come with a download code.
The pre-order price is: $16 USD, which includes shipping in the North America and most of Europe ($2 more for the UK). If you’re in a different country please email us before ordering. The record will be $18 once it has been released.
If you still haven’t got “Our Boy Roy”, order both LP’s and save cash! $30 USD for both if ordered at once.
PAYPAL = Telephoneexplosion@gmail.com
This is exactly what came to mind when I heard that the winter olympics were going to be held in Vancouver in 2010 …..Junkies getting rich off of tourists pocket change.
Thanks for the tip Niall. niallmcclelland.blogspot.com
PART 1:
PART 2:
We’ve shipped the first batch of “Our Boy Roy” Lp’s this weekend. We did a run of 1,000 and there’s not many left! Seriously, this is not a smooth sales tactic!
If you’d like to grab one before they’re gone, they’re $18 USD each with shipping to most countries.
Paypal = TelephoneExplosion@gmail.com
Sweet!
TER
If you’re reading this, it means you managed to trudge through the nightmare factory that was the 00s. Congratulations? What started as a casual romp into nuttiness…
..quickly descended into Dante’s Inferno, or whatever the equivalent of a bunch of planes smashing into two skyscrapers and the Pentagon and subsequently changing the geopolitical map for much of the foreseeable future.
And saw the popularization of lame drugs, like ritalin and adderall - drugs that don’t expand your mind, but made staring at screens
more palpable. What a time to be alive, right?
Telephone Explosion thought it’d be fun to take a stroll down memory lane and make a list of some of the things that made the past decade suck so bad - which in and of itself is proof that we’re products of the decade we hate so much. Enjoy!
In no particular order:
CRAZY SAFETY PRECAUTIONS
Boo hoo! My dumb kid fell and hurt his arm. Since I can’t sue gravity (yet) why don’t I sue the school board instead? Thanks to nervous parents, all the playgrounds in Toronto, and I assume in other big cities, were torn down in the 00s. This means that children are forced to play in playgrounds designed by lawyers and child psychologists. So when the new batch of dicks turn 20 they will be scared of doing things and then the world will finally end. Great.
HAND SANITIZERS
Science proved this shit wrong but it doesn’t matter; now that germs are the scariest things in the world (besides TERROR) people are never going to stop covering their hands with this glorified DEP gel. Here’s a working theory: the 00s were all about germs and death. That’s why Saddam Hussein* got hanged on youtube, and little kids are talking nonsense about germs in Johnson & Johnson ads. It’s all connected man. And another thing, what the fuck is a skin tag?
*BIOLOGICAL WARFARE = GERMS = CASE CLOSED
HUMMERS
As a metaphor for American shortsightedness and piggish greed, Hummers are up there with Walmart, Big Macs, Dick Cheney. On a real life scale this car is just one of the reasons why a ton of people lost their jobs.
EVERYONE’S A PHOTOGRAPHER / DIGITAL CAMERAS / COBRASNAKE
If you go to a club and no one takes your picture, did you actually go? Digital cameras are amazing, but like a lightweight, metallic, flashing monkey’s paw, they ushered in a new era of photographic horror. It seems like every time I go out I’m repeatedly being blinded by some asshole’s $700 SLR (no offense Tim). I get it, you want to document your experience, go ahead take a couple of pictures of you and the girls at the club that’s fine, but 98 identical shots? You’re basically an irritating aunt at a family function. And while I’m on the topic, the rise of digital cameras can also be blamed for the creation of one of the biggest scam jobs of the decade: party photographers like the Cobrasnake. Do you realize that goober gets to fly AROUND THE WORLD for free just to take snapshots, and it’s all because you vain assholes somehow got the impression his photos matter?
CROCS
Originally designed as fashionable / protective dog shoe, humans quickly adapted the casual block of plastic as their very own.
ANDREW WK
Much like the effects of Borat, or Dave Chapelle’s “Rick James” skit, Andrew WK was one of the more annoying catch phenomenons of the past decade, and any good it had was ruined by its mainstream success. Suddenly it seemed like any post-suburban college kid with a bottle of Wiser’s had some credibility to “party hard”, though the fact remains that so few of them knew shit about partying. Within the past few years, there’s been some Kaufmann-like debate as to whether AWK is in fact a fake persona; and whereas Andy had mystery, and genius, it’s clear here that there’s just a lot of red-tape about what corporate strategy wants you to know. Any press we’ve seen with him backpeddling on this has been pretty pathetic:
Getting close to Billy Corgan levels of public embarrassment. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if the guy turned Christian. But to all this I say: yawn.
JAPANDROIDS
Again, another band I have no idea how people can like. This whole packageis about as half-assed as it gets. I guess somebody neglected to tell the dudes in the band that there is a two piece band called Japanther already? Maybe news didn’t travel across the Rocky Mountains. I saw Japandroids once and wanted to stab my brain with a Q-Tip a quarter-way through their set. It made me re-evaluate the whole Indie music scene or maybe just Pitchfork Media’s way of reviewing. All it takes to become a buzz band are some bullshit stop-start songs, throw in a couple of “Woo’s!” here and there, label yourself as garage and you’re off to the races.
CHROMEO
When the dust settles and historians start digging through the pile of rubble that was music in the 2000s, Chromeo will stand out as one of the bands whose success aligned perfectly with the peak of the coke craze. Plus, Dave-1 is a huge turd.
GOOD CHARLOTTE
Yeah, their music is lame, but what truly makes Good Charlotte the worst band of the decade is that they seem to have totally embraced everything that was awful about the 00s: trucker hats, “ironic” 80s references, TMZ, paparazzi & tabloid culture, Hilary Duff, Twitter marketing, appropriating hip-hop culture, celebrity clothing lines, “bling”, plugs, Punk’d, PRS Guitars, leather wristbands that serve no purpose, phrases like “partying like rock stars” or “to all the haters out there”, “guyliner”, bad tattoo after bad tattoo just covering their bodies, Nicole Ritchie, all-over-print hoodies, Vans with skulls on them - I could go on for fucking ages. In fact, I bet anything you’ve hated over the last 10 years could somehow be tied in with the Madden brothers and their band of goons in six degrees or less. They’re like the Kevin Bacon of shit.
WAVVES
“I would rather listen to the death rattle of my only child than to listen to this band.” David Cross. I think we can appreciate the relevance of
that quote here.
FIXED GEAR BIKES
I could understand people being into these if you rode them in a velidrome. Where they are supposed to be rode. C’mon! Riding a brakeless bike in a large city is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard since Japandroids. I was completely oblivious to this whole culture until I started working at a coffee shop. I suppose alternative coffee shop culture and fixed gear culture go hand-in-hand. It’s one fad that I wish never broke out onto the scene. From the short brimmed biker caps to watching a fixed gear video. I can understand the entertainment value of watching a skate video because of the crazy tricks the skaters are doing. Fixed gear videos, though?!? What the fuck? Ok, so we’re going to watch these assholes ride in the financial district of a city. Watch them weaving through cars and traffic gracefully. Look how fast they deliver their courier package. Why don’t you come back to me when you have some real tricks?
ALTERNATIVE COFFEE SHOP CULTURE
Some may find themselves choosing to decry the rise of the Starbucks imperium over the course of the past decade. I mean, sure, why target small businesses that have sprouted up all over North America in response to the overpriced commercialization of coffee culture? After all, I can now buy a four dollar latte with the smug beans of coffee counter-culture! How awesome is that? I mean, have you been to that cute new place down the street? It’s so great. Totally represents my lifestyle initiatives. It’s got kids in strollers, tiny expensive muffins, freelance laptops at pretty much every table, reformed cokeheads, yoga mats, bike couriers, and, oh, all the locals from the neighbourhood! The only thing better than being picky about where you buy coffee is the dull satisfaction of believing that you’re actually transcending pedestrian boundaries. Big deal.
ALT PORN
The 00s saw the birth of a new kind of shitty talentless porn, which was preformed by sketchy attention starved, screamo, girls who we’re probably touched by their dads, then got turned on to Fall Out Boy.
THROAT FUCKING
Some people think Sasha Grey is a feminist icon, an intelligent young woman who just loves to get fucked in the most hardcore fashion. But is she responsible for the recent trend in mainstream porn to throat fuck instead of suck a dick? Mainstream Movie Network porn won’t even show a money shot but they will show throat fucking?
(FYI - To throat fuck is to forcefully shove a hard cock so far down someone’s throat they gag with teary eyes and avoid vomiting by coughing up thick slopping mouthfuls of saliva. After successfully avoiding vomiting they spit out onto the cock mounds of thick white gag-slop for lubrication. GROSS!).
When did this become a universal turn on?
If I thought someone was that close to vomiting on my dick I would probably pat them on the head and say “take it easy there Sasha Grey” - because we all know two sure fire ways to kill the mood of a potentially good fuck - unplanned bowel release and/or a hot pile of vomit on your genitals. The classy and much less disgusting way to suck a dick is to take in what is comfortable and find creative uses for both your capable hands and flexible fingers (and maybe even toes). Leave the throat fucking where it belongs - to desperate closeted fags sucking dick in appointed bathroom gloryholes.
MAINTAINING YOUR OWN PERSONAL BRAND
As Maya Deren once said, we’ve grown up in a period marked by the concept of “personality” as the prime value. Shameless declarations of self-interest and personal profile speak to our ever-growing mediums of self-expression - fair enough - where impression and experience can combine in sometimes peculiar, albeit completely banal ways. However maintaining your personal brand is not turning loose your own outlook of the world, your stamp on fashion with what you wore that day, your budding taste for opinions on food, amateur photography, art, or a penchant for “cute” things. In fact, your online personality is only masturbating on the virtual escape from your REAL, TRUE, INSIGNIFICANT SELF. And the thing is, NO ONE CARES. The worst part about personal brands? They don’t make you any money!
FACEBOOK GALLERIES
Facebook galleries detailing every goddamn thing, place, party or city you have been in the past three years (including galleries devoted to photos of you getting ready for New Years Eve) does not make people think you have an interesting life. It makes people think you are a pathetic jerk with a sad juvenile inferiority complex - desperate in your attempts to create the illusion (albeit crystal clear) your life is much more interesting than it really is. Save the unwarranted and unwelcome hubris for someone who is dumb enough to give a shit about your boring life, and have the dignity to capture and share only the moments that really matter to you and yours.
GOURMET JUNK FOOD
The two rules of junk food are: 1. It has to be so cheap that you think you’re going to possibly die from it. 2. The place better be open at least 22 hours a day. In my mind, there’s no such thing as a $14 hamburger, Poutine with Foie Gras on it and wood fired rabbit pizza.
FUSION CUISINE
What’s really good these days is the notion that to make something exciting, you have to add a funky new take on whatever old thing. Combining cultural foods fell into line with making mash-ups of juxtapositional music, coffee-flavoured coke, or taking exercise like “yogilates”. And if there’s only one thing that “fusion” really stands for — it represents a lack of personal taste.
MUSTACHE FINGER TATTOOS
If you have one of these you are fucking retarded and should have your whole arm chopped off for being so fucking stupid. End of story.
YOUTUBE PARTIES
“Hey Guys, I got a great idea! Let’s sit around my laptop all night trying to out funny each other”. Sounds way better than having a conversation, dancing, doing drugs, picking someone up or just generally experiencing real life with other humans.
NU VAMPIRES/ZOMBIES
There were about fifteen thousand vampire/zombie movies in the past ten years, and the overwhelming majority of them have been about as fun to watch as Ron Jeremy taking a dump.
RACHEL RAY
“Extra virgin olive oil” is not a term that needs to be abbreviated. Why this turdburglar turned it into an acronym is far beyond my level of comprehension. Couple this with wooden teleprompter reading, shitty recipes, and frequent guest spots on FOX talk shows and you have a fat troll who is only good at failing.
INTERPOL
I like to call this kind of music “Blazer Rock” because a lot of people who are into Interpol wear blazers. Another thing their fans have in common is that they have no sexual organs and like to take baths in piss and shit.
SPIKED ENERGY DRINKS
At one point, these would have made my “Best of the 2000’s” list. That was before I got wasted on them and puked so hard that I burst a bunch of blood vessels in my eye. Now they’re on the bad list. Revenge is bittersweet sometimes.
AMERICAN APPAREL ADS
Hating on American Apparel is a totally boring past time reserved for puerile, self-righteous morons. Love him or hate him former C.E.O Dov Charney was an ambitious son of a bitch. The controversy over AA’s provocative advertisements (primarily showcasing servile young things begging for it) is nothing new, and in fact is quite boring as well. The real problem is what lies behind the exhausted Terry Richardson/Richard Kern inspired amateur porn style in what could very well be described as a marketing time warp gone array. Sex Sells = BORING! Put a sweater on, sluts.
OVERZEALOUS ABBREVIATIONS
Perhaps a direct result of everyone’s favorite way of communicating, text messaging - it’s hard to get through the day without hearing some assholes attempt at being savvy via imprudent, grammatical disobedience. It’s not like you are saving anybody any time by shortening your words in conversation asshole! And it certainly isn’t clever! The next time you hear “totes” in replacement of the perfectly fine adverb, totally - I encourage you to respond with a swing, a swift knife chop to the throat.
CUTTING VOWELS
I don’t really find much wrong about eliminating vowels to economize on your text messages; that is, of course, if you’re a teen. If you’re under the drinking age, and you don’t want to spell things properly, that’s fine. That’s some perf spell ish for you, fckr. As soon as you start imbibing alcohol, and you can potentially vote, more or less entering the realm of being a fully-fledged human being, learn to spell like one. Type out your shit.
FLIGHT OF THE CONCORDS
THE ONLY FUNNY AUSTRALIANS ARE: PAUL HOGAN & STEVE ERWIN. Concords have nothing to do with crocodiles, therefore they’re not funny.
GRAPHIC DESIGNERS
With the ease of file sharing, every asshole with a pirated version of Illustrator fancies himself/herself a graphic designer. Just because you made a couple of mediocre posters for your friends band, it does not qualify you as a graphic designer. A subscription to Lynda.com won’t cut it either kids! The only way to avoid the wrath of the jaded, barely employed suckers 40 G’s in the hole from university (who believe they have earned the right to call themselves designers) - is to join’em.
PROBIOTICS
Have we all suddenly lost the ability to shit? Are we not shitting enough? I don’t understand? What is with the addition of probiotics and a countless number of additional additives to yogurts to aid digestion and help us shit? Is it not a bit strange that over the past ten years there has been such a relentless trend in marketing yogurt products with stuff to help us all shit? I, like the rest of you, do the peek around check - and aside from the occasional hangover splats - my shit is just fine, thank you.
And there you have it!
The title says it all bitches.
After a year of collecting songs, we are finally ready to start taking pre-orders for TER’s next release! The LP is a “tribute” (for lack of a better term) to ROY ORBISON!
FEATURING:
A Side:
1. Camero Werewolf Band (Live Fast Die) - Problem Child
2. Jacuzzi Boys - You Got it
3. Bloodshot Bill - Cause of it All
4. Haunted George - Rock House
5. Holy Cobras - Domino
B Side:
1. Ty Segall - Pretty Women
2. Teenanger - You’re my Baby
3. Demons Claws - It’s Over
4. Red Mass - Running Scared
5. Cheater Slicks - Crying
6. Charlie & The Moonhearts - Chicken Hearted
The LP is planned to be released on January 26th. Each LP is $16 USD W/Shipping to the US or Europe and most places in Canada. If you live elsewhere please contact us for a shipping quote. If interested in wholesale also hit us up at: TelephoneexplosionATgmail.com
I have a feeling whatever you have planned for New Years will pale in comparison to the MAD fun these cybergoth, yarn-locked, hillbilly bitches have lined up for this NYE. Just check out how much fun they have “moshing” to a band called ‘SCUM’ (and like always, the chubbiest dyke takes on the role of ‘boss bitch’).
It’s not very often that a Youtube clip sends me in to hysterics any more. Chalk it up to old age, sexual frustration, the constant burning of my foot fungus or plain old depression. But this son-of-a-bitch of a video did just that.
Get ready to soil yourself:
